4 attachment styles and how they influence relationships

Many people struggle with finding balance in relationships. In romantic relationships, you may feel you're too attached or that your partner is pushing you away. Attachment theory holds that your adult experiences stem from different attachment experiences in early childhood. You may have had a neglectful caregiver or parents who didn't offer enough freedom. Negative experiences can lead you to bond with others in certain and unhelpful ways.

Attachment dynamics can also play out in every aspect of your adult life. In your job, you might work closely with senior leaders, supervisors, coworkers, or direct reports. Learning their attachment styles may help you navigate communications and office politics. If you become a parent, you can use a healthy attachment style to create a sense of safety for your children. As your parents or caregivers age, understanding attachment could be crucial in healing old emotional wounds.

Understanding attachment theory offers a powerful tool for coping with many relationship issues. Most importantly, you’ll have the power to address childhood trauma that might be holding you back.

What are attachment styles & attachment style theory?

Attachment style theory (AST) explores how early experiences with primary caregivers affect you throughout your life. AST suggests you form healthy or insecure emotional bonds in response to these relationships. 

British psychologist John Bowlby first developed AST in the mid-20th century. The concept changed society’s view of human relationships and how early lives impact the whole. The theory contends that your caregivers write the manual for your future relationships. The psychology community dismissed AST in the early days of Bowlby’s work. However, as research has expanded on the theory, it has become the primary way of looking at early childhood experiences and how they shape behavior. 

Bowlby's interest began when observing infants' intense distress when separated from their parents. He collaborated with psychologist Mary Ainsworth, who further elaborated on the theory. She created the "Strange Situation" assessment to expand the view of infant attachment. It provides a series of short scenarios between an infant, a caregiver, and a stranger (the researcher). During these scenarios, the child experiences a few separation intervals from the caregiver. The scenarios help understand the child’s attachment and reaction. Bowlby’s theory and Ainsworth’s framework helped build knowledge of interpersonal relationships and emotional well-being. 

Over the years, AST became a foundational theory influencing fields like psychology, education, and psychotherapy. It highlights the significance of nurturing secure attachments from a young age.

1. Secure attachment: a foundation for stable relationships

Securely attached children tend to become securely attached adults. Secure children received consistent early care experiences from primary caregivers. These experiences may have included meeting an infant’s physical needs or even responding to night wakings. One study found that consistent, sensitive soothing may create a more secure attachment.

Where it comes from: Secure attachment doesn’t mean you had perfect parenting. However, consistent affection, attention, and care are a solid foundation for attachment. Secure attachment likely meant you could rely on stability from your primary caregiver(s). You probably also received emotional support without conditions or “catches.” Instead, your caregivers held consistent and appropriate boundaries that serve you later in life.

How it manifests: If you are a securely attached individual, you most likely display confidence in giving and receiving support. You can navigate conflicts with understanding and patience. You often consider your partner’s need for freedom and autonomy. Ultimately, it’s easy for you to give someone appropriate attention without becoming clingy.

Security fosters strong self-esteem, emotional regulation, and the ability to connect with others. The benefits of a secure attachment style to you and others are plentiful, including:

• Enhanced relationship satisfaction
• Better stress management
• Positive outlook toward challenges 

Secure attachment paves the way for satisfying partnerships. The hallmarks of these connections are trust, open communication, and enduring emotional connection.

Signs of secure attachment style

If you have a secure attachment style, you are more likely to exhibit the following traits:

2. Confidence in seeking support. A secure attachment style makes you more likely to trust a partner to provide support. The support may include their confidence in you, emotional availability, and accessibility.
3. Ability to offer support. As a securely attached person, you also likely feel comfortable offering support to your partner. 
4. Effective conflict resolution. Secure attachment may help you to navigate conflicts with understanding and patience. It can help you avoid issues common to other attachment styles that may create poor conflict resolution skills. Insecure attachment types may even increase instances of intimate partner violence.
5. Strong self-esteem: A secure attachment style fosters strong self-esteem. This is because you feel valued and loved by caregivers from an early age.
6. Improved emotional regulation. If you have a secure attachment style, you may better understand how to regulate your emotions. In adulthood, you likely exhibit the consistent care and responsiveness shown by your primary caregivers.

2. Anxious attachment: craving emotional closeness, fearing abandonment

If you are an anxious attachment type, you have the same keen desire for emotional closeness as others. But, you likely also fear abandonment. You may worry that a partner or loved one will not return your feelings. This anxiety can often lead you to seek constant reassurance and validation. 

Where it comes from: If you’re the anxious type, you may think you must behave in prescribed ways to receive affection. Anxious attachment may stem from inconsistent caregiving during childhood. Love and attention were likely unpredictable or based on performance or behavior. This neglect can foster insecurity and hinder your ability to build healthy relationships. 

How it manifests: Anxious attachment makes you feel dependent on partners for emotional support. You may struggle with self-soothing when faced with challenges. Say a romantic relationship ends, and you feel rejected or betrayed. This abandonment may stoke your fears, creating a need to stay vigilant and emotionally overinvested. Some research suggests that situational stressors may activate or heighten anxious attachment traits. The study confirmed that avoidant and anxious behaviors emerged in circumstances that triggered participants. When triggered, they behaved in ways common to their attachment type.

Signs of anxious attachment style

If you have an anxious attachment style, you may show a set of common traits, such as: 

1. Seeking constant reassurance: With an anxious attachment style, you may need continual validation from partners. You may only feel safe with frequent affirmations of love and commitment.
2. Fearing losing your partner: Anxiety leads to intense fear of abandonment. This prompts attachment behaviors aimed at keeping partners close. You may text excessively or avoid spending time apart.
3. Struggling with jealousy: Abandonment fears stoke anxiety that a partner will be unfaithful.
4. Difficulty focusing on yourself: If you’re anxious, you may be overly focused on your mate. You may struggle with personal growth or interests outside your relationship. You might spend most of your energy managing your partner's actions and feelings.
5. Emotional reactivity: Change or perceived change is difficult for those with anxious attachment. Fluctuations in your partner’s behavior can feel like a loss of affection or interest.

3. Avoidant attachment: prizing independence, fearing intimacy

A deep-seated need for autonomy in relationships characterizes avoidant attachment. You may fear intimacy or have problems with vulnerability. You are more likely to focus on self-reliance. You might appear emotionally distant or uninterested in close relationships. 

Where it comes from: The roots of avoidant behavior come from emotional neglect. You may have had early experiences where seeking comfort or support prompted rejection. This trauma informs the belief that showing emotions or needing others is a sign of weakness.

How it manifests: If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may struggle to express your feelings and needs. Instead, you may prefer to keep others at arm's length. This behavior pattern is to protect yourself from hurt or disappointment. You may choose to invest more in your personal interests. You may also use achievements to confirm your worth without relying on others. In romantic relationships, you may resist getting too close. This reluctance stems from a fear that intimacy compromises your independence. Those with avoidant attachment do have a desire for connection but fear the vulnerability that comes with it.

Signs of avoidant attachment style

Look for these common traits in someone with anxious attachment: 

1. Fierce independence. Avoidant attachment styles often focus on autonomy above all else. You might view relationships as threatening your self-sufficiency and avoid too much closeness.
2. Difficulty with emotional intimacy. You may struggle to open up about your feelings. You might find it challenging to share vulnerabilities or deep emotions. This is true in friendships and partnerships, where you fear intimacy could lead to dependency.
3. Discomfort with physical affection. You might dislike physical affection and avoid hugging or cuddling. You may also shy away from physical affection when emotional situations are outside your comfort zone.
4. Mistrust of relationships. Avoidant types tend to be cynical about close relationships. If this is you, you might believe that people will eventually let you down or hurt you. This makes it difficult for you to trust others fully.
5. Self-reliance in problem-solving. If you are avoidant, you are more likely to handle issues alone. You may pride yourself on solving problems independently. You might view doing so as a sign of strength rather than isolation.

4. Disorganized attachment: a mix of anxious and avoidant traits

Disorganized attachment comes with a somewhat confusing mix of attachment behaviors. You may exhibit disorganization due to traumatic or inconsistent parenting during childhood. You may have a mix of anxious and avoidant traits, leading to unpredictable relationship patterns. These patterns may show up in other life areas like work life.

Where it comes from: Disorganization might make you seek intimacy, then withdraw. Often, this stems from your primary caregivers displaying unreliable warmth and protection. As a result, you may have a deep-seated mistrust of others that leaves you feeling bewildered about your connections. You may be unsure whether to move toward or away from emotional connections. 

How it manifests: In romantic partnerships, you may be loving one moment and distant the next. You likely struggle with getting your needs met and may live in a world where love equates to pain. This mindset makes trust and relationship stability extra challenging.

Signs of disorganized attachment style

If you have a disorganized attachment style, you likely show a mix of anxious and avoidant traits, such as: 

1. Running hot and cold. You may react unpredictably to affection. One day, you might be responsive and warm, soaking up the attention and reciprocating it. The next, you become cold, pushing your partner away without reason.
2. Difficulty trusting partners. Although you want closeness, you fear betrayal. This anxiety makes it hard for you to trust people, including romantic partners. Suspicion and doubt color your relationships.
3. Anxiety in relationships. If you’re a disorganized partner, you likely experience anxiety in your relationships. You worry about abandonment or rejection but also fear getting too close. You may be clingy one moment and completely aloof the next.
4. Sudden mood swings. Emotional regulation is hard if you have a disorganized attachment style. Your mood or emotions might seem disproportionate to a situation. Your reactions may come from unresolved trauma. One study shows a relationship between insecure attachment and later teen aggression. When reviewing the link between attachment dimensions and anger, researchers found that anxious and avoidant styles were associated with higher physical and verbal aggression. 
5. Sabotaging behaviors: A hallmark of disorganized attachment is self-sabotage in relationships. You may be doing this without realizing it. You might pick fights, withdraw at critical moments, or end relationships out of fear. This pattern may occur even when things are going well.

How to identify your attachment style

Identifying your attachment style can help you foster healthier future relationships. Knowing how you relate to others sheds light on emotional responses and behaviors. Self-awareness also lets you heal wounds from past trauma. It may build a more secure attachment style moving forward. 

Recognizing your attachment style improves your interactions with romantic partners, friends, and family. It can boost your self-esteem and emotional resilience. This knowledge lets you identify unhealthy thought patterns, build communication, and nurture connections with others. 

Ask yourself these questions when considering your attachment style:

• How were my early caregiving experiences?
• What manner of treatment did my primary attachment figure offer me?
• Were my caregivers consistent in my care through childhood and adolescence?
• Do I find myself needing a lot of reassurance in relationships?
• Can I set healthy boundaries in relationships?
• Do I often worry about my partner leaving me or becoming uninterested?
• Am I comfortable being alone, or does it make me anxious?
• How do I react to my partner's successes and failures? Am I supportive, indifferent, or jealous?
• When conflicts arise, am I more likely to confront the issue, avoid it, or become emotional?
• How do I view physical intimacy? Is it something I crave, fear, or have mixed feelings about?
• How easily do I open up to others about personal issues and feelings?
• In what ways do past traumas or childhood experiences influence my current relationships?
• How do I communicate with my partner during disagreements or difficult conversations? Am I assertive, passive, or aggressive?

Considering these questions can help you understand your attachment type. You can use your answers to discern your most likely attachment style. Learning more about your style can help you overcome challenges in your relationships.

Why understanding your attachment style leads to healthier relationships

Understanding your attachment style is like holding a map of your intimate relationships. It offers insights into your habitual responses to closeness, stress, and emotional needs. It can also help you identify red flags when a friend or loved one pushes your boundaries or challenges your sense of security.

Knowing you are secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized may help you manage your emotions. This awareness can help you see unhealthy patterns that sabotage your connections. 

Here are some ways understanding your attachment style may benefit your adult relationships: 

• Recognizing the tendency toward an attachment type can help you work on challenges. For instance, recognizing anxious attachment can help you with self-soothing and communication skills. You can become more self-assured without needing constant validation from a partner.

• Understanding your attachment style may encourage empathy and patience for others. It fosters comprehension of why someone pulls away when stressed or seeks affirmation. This insight can also help you help a partner or attachment figure with challenges. 

• Understanding your and your partner’s attachment type is a good relationship tool. It helps heal wounds and break cycles that hinder personal growth and fulfillment. Understanding your attachment style improves relationships with others and with yourself.

Attachment types can be present in many contexts. They influence bonds between the following:

• Infants and parents
• Children and parents
• Adults in romantic relationships
• Single people
• Colleagues 

Attachment theory can also help with family, friendship, and work dynamics. When you know your attachment style and that of others, you can be more compassionate. This base of connection and trust can improve relationships.

The path to secure attachment

A more secure attachment begins with self-esteem over self-criticism. It requires understanding your attachment patterns and their origins. 

Acknowledging patterns and associated childhood issues can be the first step toward growth. Consider these methods and potential treatments to help you cope with attachment issues:

• If you have an anxious attachment style, practice self-soothing techniques. These might include mindfulness activities, finding hobbies, and making friends outside the relationship. Learn to communicate your needs and desires assertively rather than through validation-seeking behaviors.

• Avoidant types can work on opening up and adding vulnerability in relationships. Try challenging your beliefs around independence. See if your self-reliance serves as a barrier to intimacy. Practice sharing more personal thoughts and feelings to build deeper connections.

• If you’re anxious and avoidant, you may embrace practicing empathy and patience. This goes for yourself and your partners. Couples therapy and relationship coaching focus on secure attachment strategies. They can provide valuable tools for transforming relationships.

A secure attachment style involves trusting others while setting boundaries. Security means seeking a balance between autonomy and connection. By working on these aspects, you can enhance your relationships and enrich your life. 

Seek support and overcome attachment style challenges

Every attachment type has its challenges. No matter your attachment style, you have opportunities to build better skills. Understanding how your experiences inform your relationships is the first step. A coach, mentor, or mental health provider can help you start.

Get in touch with your attachment style with the help of a BetterUp Coach. Start your coaching journey today.