Some people can never get enough attention.
Although it’s normal to want to be the center of attention sometimes, especially after a bad day or big accomplishment, there’s a line. But when someone can’t stand the focus being on anyone else, constantly redirecting the conversation to be about themselves, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
While interacting with a narcissist is annoying at best, at their worst, they can be downright destructive, affecting your moods, physical well-being, and sense of self-worth. Learning how to deal with a narcissist is the first step to protecting yourself from their self-centered and potentially damaging behavior.
What is a narcissist?
You probably have at least one self-centered person in your life. The friend who constantly seeks attention and validation, or the coworker who insists on monopolizing the conversation in team meetings. When they’re hogging the spotlight or constantly turning attention back toward themselves, you might think they’re acting like a narcissist.
But it’s important to understand the word's true meaning. In the American Psychological Association’s Dictionary of Psychology, narcissism is defined as excessive self-love or egocentrism, meaning narcissists view themselves and their needs as superior to everyone else’s.
Narcissism exists as a spectrum, and everyone experiences it to a certain degree. It’s possible to find yourself feeling more self-centered depending on the situation, such as at work or during an argument. It’s normal, and a small amount of narcissism is self-preservation, ensuring your needs are met and that you stand up for yourself in a conflict without exploiting others or becoming entitled. Those endowed with a healthy level of narcissism enjoy
- High self-esteem
- A positive self-image
- Abundant self-confidence
- A reasonable level of self-importance
However, when someone’s personality exists at the higher end of the narcissism spectrum, they begin to exhibit the negative character traits that make them a challenge to live with and relate to.
Narcissistic traits vs. narcissistic personality disorder
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is an official mental health condition. That doesn’t mean every overly self-involved person you meet has a case of NPD. Depending on their position on the spectrum, a narcissist could display some of the recognized characteristics, according to Mayo Clinic:
- Being preoccupied with fantasies of success and power
- Regularly taking advantage of other people
- Believing they’re superior to others
- Demonstrating an extreme sense of self
- Monopolizing conversations or meetings
- Failing to recognize the needs and feelings of others
While these narcissistic behaviors make dealing with a narcissist difficult, their presence doesn’t mean the person meets the criteria for an NPD diagnosis. Only those affected to an extreme degree will qualify for an NDP diagnosis. According to the DSM-5, NPD is:
“...a personality disorder [with] a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.”
To be diagnosed as having NPD, someone must exhibit five or more of the nine symptoms as described by the DSM-5:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance: People with NPD often exaggerate their achievements and talents and expect to be recognized as superior without offering proof of their accomplishments.
- Preoccupied with fantasies: Someone suffering from NPD often imagines an existence of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love that real life can’t possibly live up to.
- Believes that they’re “special”: Because of their perceived uniqueness and inflated sense of self-importance, narcissists think they can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people and institutions.
- Requires excessive admiration: Due to their “special” status, a person with NPD believes they should automatically receive praise and esteem.
- Has a sense of entitlement: Narcissists often display unreasonable expectations of special treatment or automatic compliance with their wants and desires.
- Is interpersonally exploitative: Someone with NPD believes the end result justifies the means and will take advantage of others to achieve their goals.
- Lacks empathy: People with narcissism are averse to recognizing or identifying with the feelings and needs of others.
- Exhibits jealous behavior: People suffering from NPD are often covetous or project their jealousy onto others, believing they are an object of people’s envy.
- Displays arrogance: A person with NPD often takes on a haughty attitude, looking down on others they consider inferior.
Depending on the severity of the above symptoms, narcissism often negatively impacts the sufferer’s ability to establish and maintain healthy interpersonal relationships.
And that’s the primary difference between someone who ranks high on the narcissism spectrum and someone suffering from NPD. It’s possible for a person displaying narcissistic traits to
- Maintain a relationship: According to the National Institute of Health (NIH), people displaying narcissistic traits engage in emotional manipulation within their interpersonal relationships, but with support and therapy, they can learn to connect with others.
- Accept responsibility: Someone with narcissistic tendencies can accept accountability for their actions, provided it's tied to their self-image or self-interest.
- Alter behavior: For someone dealing with NPD, their narcissistic behaviors remain consistent across all areas of their life, whereas someone with a tendency may find the traits waxing and waning over time or depending on the situation.
Narcissistic personality disorder comorbidities
Regardless of whether someone displays high levels of narcissistic traits or is diagnosed with NPD, it can take a significant toll on them. Comorbidities include anorexia nervosa and substance abuse, and the condition is also associated with mental health challenges, like:
-
Histrionic personality disorder
-
Borderline personality disorder
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Antisocial personality disorder
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Paranoid personality disorder
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Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Individuals who struggle with NPD or many symptoms of the disorder might consider meeting with a mental health professional to address these challenges directly.
How to handle a narcissist: 10 Tips
The NIH estimates between 0.5–5% of the US population suffers from NPD. Its prevalence within society makes it highly likely that you’ll interact with someone with the disorder or who displays narcissistic behaviors at school, work, or family functions.
Navigating a relationship with someone affected by narcissism isn’t easy, especially if they’re a family member or loved one. Still, by following these suggestions, you can find ways to interact while preserving your peace of mind.
1. Learn about narcissism
A narcissist is often likable and charming when you first meet, making it easy to overlook their more toxic behaviors. But they might become nasty, manipulative, and undermining once they get to know you. Familiarize yourself with the warning signs of a narcissistic personality to spot the red flags in a relationship before it becomes too involved.
2. Establish and maintain boundaries
People with narcissistic tendencies struggle to form intimate relationships, which includes habitually breaching boundaries as they might believe the rules don’t apply to them.
In any relationship with a narcissist, you need to establish, communicate, and maintain clear boundaries. State what you will and won’t accept, plus the consequences of violating those requests. Once you set boundaries, prepare yourself to have them tested, and don’t back down. If you do, the narcissist could take advantage of any sign of weakness to push back harder and get what they want.
3. Don’t react
Narcissists thrive when they feel they have a higher social status or feel in control of a situation. One of their primary means is to bait others to provoke an emotional reaction, playing into their sense of power and control. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Become as emotionless as a grey rock. Don’t argue, and don’t explain. They may use your arguments or explanations to gaslight or bait you into further outbursts. Disengage where possible. If not, respond in a neutral fashion until they get bored.
4. Insist on actions, not promises
A narcissistic personality loves making grandiose promises, including changing their behavior, that they rarely follow through on. It’s known as future faking, and it’s merely another manipulation tactic. Don’t be sucked in. Express what you need and want in clear, calm terms, explaining that you’ll give them what they desire once they fulfill their end of the bargain. By consistently following through on your word, the narcissist can begin to see you mean what you say and take these agreements seriously.
5. Avoid direct confrontation
Narcissists can react negatively to anything that paints them in a bad light, sometimes becoming aggressive when they feel threatened.
If you need to give them negative feedback at work, do it gently and try to frame it as a compliment. Consider using a feedback sandwich, where you begin by complimenting them, followed by the criticism, and finishing off with another positive statement. This way, you cushion the blow to their ego by playing to their strengths.
In your personal life, try framing any conflicts around your feelings, not their actions. Use “I” statements to emphasize your own role in the situation. Instead of saying, “You hurt my feelings when…” try, “This made me feel…” so they don’t grow as defensive. They’ll likely turn the conversation back to themselves, but you might be able to instigate without provoking an immediately negative reaction.
6. Be respectful
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, try to keep the conversation respectful until you can disengage while maintaining your boundaries. Responding non-committedly to their opinions with a simple, “That sounds interesting” can help you stay on their good side without encouraging further discussion.
7. Practice calming skills
Interacting with someone exhibiting narcissistic traits can involve a lot of gritting your teeth. Save on potentially expensive dental work by practicing deep breathing techniques, using a centering object, or focusing on the positives to maintain your cool. Remember, a narcissist wants to provoke an emotional reaction. Don’t give it to them.
8. Take care of yourself
Dealing with a narcissist’s toxic behavior can significantly impact your well-being, affecting your self-esteem or subverting your own needs to keep peace in the relationship. If you need to navigate this relationship because it’s a family member or loved one, look after yourself and your needs. Take part in activities that strengthen your self-esteem and build self-reliance.
And try to establish a network of healthy relationships you can depend on for love, encouragement, and validation. Keep track of your accomplishments, so if the narcissist tries to sow the seeds of self-doubt, you have proof to remind yourself it’s not true.
9. Remind yourself that it’s not your fault
Narcissists tend to blame others for their failings. When this happens, establish where your responsibilities begin and end and use that information to push back whenever they attempt to impose accountability on you for their behavior, instead of on themselves where it belongs.
Read books or listen to podcasts to remind yourself of and recognize narcissistic manipulations so you don’t fall prey to the negative feelings this person is trying to project on you. You could also practice some positive affirmations that ground you in the present and remind you of your self-worth.
10. Know when you need help
Someone with narcissistic traits or NPD won’t become abusive, but it does occur. Narcissistic abuse can take many forms, including,
- Verbal attacks
- Physical violence
- Passive-aggressive behaviors
- Manipulation
- Gaslighting
These behaviors can cause long-term emotional damage, leading to:
If you begin to experience feelings of self-doubt or find yourself questioning your worth, it's time to seek professional support to help you cope.
How to help a narcissist
Being in a relationship with a narcissist, whether it’s a personal or professional one, is challenging. It’s natural to want to try and find ways to make interactions easier. But you must understand that narcissism is a complex condition.
And, to accept help, someone exhibiting narcissistic behaviors must be honest and self-aware enough to recognize they have a problem. But, according to the NIH’s research, that type of insight doesn’t come naturally to them. If a narcissist can develop this insight and admit their narcissistic tendencies, whether they have NPD or simply share some traits, therapy can help them accept help.
When to leave
Knowing how to interact with a narcissist may not be enough. While narcissism and NPD are mental health conditions that aren’t someone’s fault, it doesn’t excuse abusive behavior. No one is entitled to diminish your self-confidence, belittle your interests, or destroy your self-worth to feel better about themselves. If that’s your current experience, this isn’t a relationship worth saving, personal and professional alike.
For your safety, if someone exhibits these abusive warning signs:
- Isolates you from loved ones
- Is overly critical of everything you do or say
- Takes money without permission or takes total control of your finances
- Pressures you to use substances you’re not comfortable with
- Coerces you into activities you’d rather not participate in
- Shames or insults you
- Attempts to control your environment
- Mistreats your pets
- Doesn’t allow you to make medical decisions for yourself
- Sabotages your performance at work or in school
You need to protect yourself by terminating the relationship. A narcissist’s actions are not your fault. It’s not something you contribute to by not loving or understanding them enough. Their behavior is on them.
If you need professional help to get away, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by
- Phone at 1-800-799-7233
- Live chat at thehotline.org
- Or by texting LOVEIS to 22522
Moving on from a narcissist
Walking away from a narcissist and their drama is no mean feat. Depending on the nature of your relationship, you may need additional support from a therapist, counselor, or coach. That’s not a weakness. The voice insisting you should be ashamed is the narcissist trying to keep you playing the game by their rules. Asking for help to get away is the single greatest act of strength and self-care you can perform.
Knowing how to deal with a narcissist is exhausting. You deserve to heal from the experience. Reach out so you can start finding peace and a way back to yourself. You’ve got this.
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