When strong emotions are involved, it can be hard to let go of resentment. You might feel angry, hurt, or disappointed. You might question whether forgiveness is possible. Depending on the strength of these feelings, you might feel like your resentment is something you’ll never get over.
Resentment is a difficult feeling to rise above. When it lingers, it can affect your mental and physical health. It can also limit your path to personal growth. Luckily, learning how to let go of resentment is a skill you can learn and develop with the right tools.
What is resentment?
Resentment is a complex emotional reaction that stems from a feeling of injustice. You might feel persistently negative about a person or situation that you feel has harmed, wronged, or insulted you. Resentment can be hard to release, as you may feel forced to accept something you disagree with.
These feelings and emotions can cloud your judgment. They might even leave you constantly searching for reasons to maintain your frustration. Signs that you may resent someone include the following:
- It’s easy to find their faults
- You feel angry when you think about them or a situation where they’re involved
- You’re emotionally triggered by little things they do
- You don’t feel heard or like your feelings matter
- It’s easy to place blame on them for things that may be unrelated
Resentment is a perfectly normal and valid response to a negative situation. There is nothing wrong with experiencing it. But, when left unchecked, it can hinder your ability to move forward.
Common causes of resentment
Resentment can stem from all different kinds of situations and relationships. You may feel it at work, at home, while driving, or with friends you’ve known for years.
Examples of situations that can cause resentment include the following:
- Feeling angry after a breakup
- Feeling disappointed after getting passed over for a promotion at work
- Feeling left out by a friend who has been spending more time with someone else
- Feeling irritated about a comment made by someone close to you
- Feeling emotionally abused by someone who has lied to you
Understanding the difference between anger and resentment
While someone dealing with resentment may feel anger, the two emotions are not the same. Resentment is a multilayered emotion that might involve feelings of anger, disappointment, irritation, and emotional distress.
Resentment may not be shared as openly or aggressively as anger. It is marked by a greater sense of bitterness and a perception of unfairness that often comes out as passive aggression. Meanwhile, anger is a sudden emotion that may lead to an immediate and visible reaction. Anger may calm down over time, while resentment may grow worse with time.
The negative impact of resentment on your well-being
Feelings of resentment can take a toll on your overall well-being. This includes your emotional health, physical well-being, relationships, and more.
Effects of resentment on mental health
According to research published in the Journal of Religion and Health, people who hang onto grudges are at higher risk of experiencing depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other conditions affecting their mental well-being. Conversely, people who are more naturally forgiving are often more satisfied with their lives. They also experience less stress and anger.
People who struggle with forgiveness are prone to bringing anger and bitterness into new relationships. This may lead to missing out on valuable and enriching relationships.
Effects of resentment on physical health
Resentment can also have a negative impact on your physical health, according to a 2023 study published in Trends in Psychology. Since resentment can lead to increased stress hormones, it can negatively affect the following aspects of your physical health:
- Blood pressure
- Immune system
- Digestion
- Blood circulation
- Heart health
- Sexual performance
Effects of resentment on relationships
According to the same study in Trends in Psychology, resentment can cause challenges associated with spirals of shame, loneliness, and loyalty. People who feel resentful may experience increased behaviors of withdrawal, blaming, revenge, and avoidance. This can cause a relationship to end.
Conversely, making a conscious decision to forgive someone can bring belief, understanding, and increased well-being.
5 ways to let go of resentment
Resentment is complex, but it can be overcome. If you’re struggling to figure out how to let go of resentment, here are a few ideas to help you start the process.
1. Identify the source of your resentment
Sometimes, the cause of your resentment may be obvious. But other times, it may not be. If you catch yourself having persistent negative feelings towards a particular person, it’s important to get to the root cause.
To help you identify the source, consider examining the emotions you feel:
- Do you feel used or taken advantage of?
- Do you feel embarrassed or humiliated?
- Do you feel discriminated against?
- Do you feel forgotten or unseen?
It’s possible this person made a comment that bothered you more than you thought. Or, maybe someone important to you hasn’t been recognizing your personal achievements over time in the way that you’d like.
Feeling resentful can also stem from a low frustration tolerance. Whatever the case, it’s critical to uncover the cause of your resentment to learn to move forward.
2. Practice empathy
Once you’ve identified the cause, try to put your emotions aside for a few minutes to consider their motivation. If someone hurt you, think about whether that’s the outcome they were trying to achieve.
Try seeing things from a new perspective. For example, maybe a friend was trying to support you after a break-up but overstepped by asking personal questions about your romantic relationships. Or, maybe someone made a hurtful comment thinking it was something you’d be open to joking about.
It can be hard to consider giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Still, try to challenge yourself to make sure you’re seeing the full picture. If you struggle with this, try talking with someone you trust for a third-person perspective.
3. Reframe your narrative
If someone calls you something you don’t agree with, be careful not to buy into it. For example, if someone calls you lazy for only working three days a week, challenge their perspective. Working part-time instead of full-time doesn’t mean you’re lazy.
Maybe, in addition to your part-time job, you’re playing the role of caregiver to an elderly parent or are overwhelmed with supporting your children in their extracurricular activities. Does the person who caused the harm know these things? If not, it’s possible they based their judgments on misinformation.
4. Forgive yourself and others
Forgiveness is a big word, especially when you’re feeling hurt. However, it can also be healing.
While forgiveness is not a required part of letting go of resentment, it can help. This doesn’t mean you have to forget the past or what happened.
Forgiving someone and showing compassion can be even more challenging if the person who hurt you doesn’t apologize or demonstrates low emotional maturity.
When this happens, take a few steps back to focus on yourself. Try to acknowledge and accept the way you’re feeling. Own your role in the conflict, and reflect on whether you feel content with your response.
If the person feels no sorrow, consider getting outside help. A mental health professional or coach can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms you can use to move on. It’s not your responsibility to fix relationships that are not balanced. If you’re feeling stuck and can’t see eye to eye, it may be time to let go of someone.
5. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest
At the end of the day, you only have the power to control your own life and your side of the story. You can’t make someone feel regret or see your point of view. You can only control where you go from there. Figure out where you want that to be, and redirect your attention to how you can find closure.
Moving forward with a lighter heart (and less resentment)
Carrying a feeling of resentment can weigh you down and impact your personal growth. If the situation is heavy on your heart, here are a few things you can do to find inner peace.
Set healthy boundaries to prevent future resentment
You can’t change the past, but you can influence your future. Setting boundaries is critical to establishing and maintaining healthy relationships.
Examples of healthy boundaries in relationships include the following:
- Asking for space when you need it
- Sharing your expectations for emotional support
- Asking for equal say in decisions that impact you
- Respecting each other’s time
- Supporting individual interests
Cultivate gratitude
Gratitude is a powerful emotion that has been repeatedly proven to improve emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships. According to Psychology Today, cultivating gratitude can protect against mental health disorders like anxiety and depression. It’s also linked to the following:
The following activities can help you make gratitude a daily wellness practice:
Focus on positive self-talk
To help you understand why you feel resentment, it may be helpful to tune into the way you talk to yourself. Are your thoughts mostly negative? If so, make a conscious effort to challenge your own thoughts by rebutting with positive self-talk.
If your mind says, “There’s no way I can do this because I’ve always messed up in the past,” counter it with logic. You can instead say, “Yes, I’ve made mistakes in the past. But, I’ve always learned from them and am better positioned to handle them now.”
Maybe you can’t stop thinking about a comment someone else made about you. Positive self-talk can also help you overcome insecurities that may have surfaced.
Seek professional support
Sometimes, learning how to let go of resentment takes outside help. That’s okay. Everyone needs a support system and people to lean on when they’re feeling discouraged.
If you’re struggling to move on, consider getting 1:1 help from a BetterUp Coach. Our coaches can help you recognize the root of your resentment. They can guide you in developing healthy coping tactics and anger management strategies that work for you. Plus, they’ll provide you with effective ways to practice self-compassion and find hope.
Learn how to let go of resentment: connect with a coach
Learning how to let go of resentment takes time and effort, but the results can be incredibly rewarding. It can improve your relationships, benefit your mental health, and help you with emotional regulation.
Working with a BetterUp coach can help you let go of resentment and cultivate healthier relationships. It can also help you strengthen your conflict-resolution skills and problem-solving to prevent future resentment.
Start your personal journey towards healing. Match with your best-fit BetterUp Coach.
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