Find your Coach
BetterUp
Request a demo

How to overcome insecurities and understand what causes them

December 18, 2023 - 15 min read

Confident-black-woman-smiling-on-camera-how-to-overcome-insecurities

Jump to section

What are insecurities?

Three types of insecurities

What are the consequences of insecurities?

What causes insecurity?

10 tips to overcome insecurities

Feeling insecure? You’re not alone

Your boss congratulates you on a job well done, a friend compliments you, or you achieve a long-term goal. In any of these situations, you probably feel on top of the world: confident, content, and secure. 

But, in another moment, when you have a tough day at the office, you could view yourself in a negative light. You might question your abilities — and even your worth. In moments like this, it’s natural to wonder how to overcome insecurities. 

These self-confidence highs and lows are normal. No one can be “on” all the time, and when you’re having an “off” day, it’s difficult to avoid seeing yourself clouded by insecurity. But it’s not impossible, either. 

You can learn and appreciate your strengths regardless of whether life or others affirm you with positive feedback. All it takes is practice, patience, and a little extra self-love.

What are insecurities?

Mirror-reflection-of-a-smiling-young-lady-wrapped-in-white-towel-how-to-overcome-insecurities

Insecurities are the causes behind feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty about yourself. You can experience insecurity regarding any aspect of your life, whether that's physical appearance, relationships, financial stability, or professional skills.

Self-esteem issues propel feelings of insecurity. When you have a moment of low self-esteem, you can become hyper-critical of yourself. Even though you’re talented and well-loved, your negative self-talk tells you otherwise.

Insecurity can become a vicious circle. If you feel bad about how you look or doubt your value, you may shy away from social situations or experiences that would test your abilities. And in doing so, you self-sabotage by limiting your potential for success and connection.

3 types of insecurities

While everyone’s insecurities are unique and linked to individual self-esteem issues, most fall into one of three categories: personal, professional, or relationship. Here’s more on each type and how they manifest:

1. Personal insecurities 

Personal insecurities describe the negative ways you view yourself — and perhaps believe others do, too. You may dislike your appearance or lifestyle, question your identity, or constantly compare yourself to others. Personal insecurities can also heighten your self-consciousness and push you to think the people around you are more intelligent, financially stable, or successful than you. That’s not always the case — it might just be your self-doubt getting louder. 

2. Professional insecurities

Professional insecurities reflect your fears about an inability to perform at work. Signs of insecurity may be neglecting opportunities to advance at the office because you don’t believe in your skills or self-sabotaging by procrastinating. Instead of taking a public speaking class to improve your presentation-day jitters, for example, you might avoid getting up in front of groups altogether. 

3. Relationship insecurities

People often fall into certain relationship attachment styles. Secure attachers enter relationships with good intentions, excellent emotional intelligence, and a willingness to communicate. They believe their partner has their best interests in mind and will love and support them. 

But insecure attachers — also known as anxious attachers — fear abandonment, even when their partner is consistently emotionally avoidable and present. Insecure partners may not believe themselves worthy of love and constantly seek affirmation. In turn, they can become irrationally jealous or try to control the other person to avoid losing them.

What are the consequences of insecurities?

Young-Couple-Experiencing-Relationship-Crisis-1

Everyone experiences insecurity, especially in the face of new challenges. It’s normal to feel a surge of self-doubt when starting a new job or entering a relationship. But insecurity can have more significant consequences when doubt doesn’t morph into confidence or comfort and negative thoughts persist. 

When you constantly feel unsure of yourself, you may turn negative self-talk into reality. Doing this can keep you from viewing your physical and intellectual qualities accurately. 

It might also prevent you from achieving your goals. Picture someone who repeatedly tells themself they’re not a strong leader. That person may hesitate to take opportunities to guide colleagues, question their public speaking skills, and perceive themself as less capable than their peers. These behaviors could cost them a promotion or a sense of pride in their work

Insecurities have the potential to damage both your self-perception and your relationships. In healthy interactions, people take responsibility for their faults, talk about them with someone close to them, and use these conversations to improve their emotional intelligence. But consistently acting insecure, especially in close relationships like romantic ones, can skew dynamics. In some cases, the other person may constantly feel the need to affirm you instead of being an honest and authentic version of themself.

What causes insecurity?

Young-Couple-Training-Outdoors-1

Low self-esteem drives insecurity. You feel inadequate and incapable when you suffer from negative self-perception and a lack of confidence. But how does confidence plummet in the first place?  

External forces generally trigger people’s self-esteem issues. Being subject to any of the following situations can cause long-term confidence damage: 

  • Harsh criticism from a parent or teacher 
  • Receiving low grades at school or not getting your needs met in the classroom as a child
  • Relationships with manipulative or hurtful friends and partners
  • Not meeting goals you set and feeling like you failed  
  • Medical circumstances that prevent you from living the way you please 
  • Comparing your economic status and lifestyle with others’ 

Setbacks, like not getting a job you wanted or going through a breakup

10 tips to overcome insecurities

Sportswoman-Warming-Up-On-Sports-Ground

If you’re suffering from low self-esteem and worry that it’ll foster insecurities, there’s hope. You can reframe the incidents that spurred this pessimistic image of yourself and relearn to view yourself in a gentle light. 

Here are 10 tips to help you mitigate and overcome insecurity:

1. Confront your feelings 

Instead of holding onto negative feelings about yourself or letting an experience, like criticism, damage your confidence, unpack what’s going through your head. An excellent place to do this is in therapy.

A qualified mental health professional like a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) or licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) can guide the conversation and help you separate perceptions from reality. If a mental health professional isn’t accessible to you, try journaling — interrogating your thoughts on the page. This activity can bring clarity and release the stress of daily life.

2. Set achievable goals

When you set realistic goals, you allow yourself to grow and feel empowered. But if you aim for outlandish ones, you’ll feel frustrated when you don’t reach them.

Use the SMART goals model to set your sights on specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound objectives. Then, create an action plan to reach goals, working toward them with structure and intention.

3. Prepare yourself for setbacks

Setbacks are part of life. A loving friendship can morph into a toxic relationship. A small repair can lead to a financial setback. And even if you’re a very qualified candidate, you might not get your dream job. 

These situations happen to everyone, but you don’t have to let them drive negative self-perceptions. For instance, instead of feeling insecure about your job search ability, you can remind yourself that you made an excellent effort in the interview process and have powerful skills that’ll help you score another great role. 

4. Embrace yourself as you are

No one is good at everything. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses — and that doesn’t make them any less worthy of love and respect. 

Write affirmations highlighting your talents (like “I’m an excellent writer” or “I’m a really kind person”) and acknowledge areas of opportunity, like needing to polish your public speaking skills

Remind yourself, too, that you don’t need to always excel. If math doesn’t come naturally and you don’t feel a passion to learn it, there’s no need to put pressure on yourself to develop this skill.

5. Challenge your negative thoughts

Negative thoughts often don’t align with reality. 

Perhaps you carry the misconception that a colleague doesn’t like you, or a hurtful comment a teacher made years ago continues to echo in your head. These scenarios don’t reflect your value, and your mind may have blown them out of proportion. Instead, try talking to yourself as a third party, like a friend, and putting the negative thoughts in perspective.

6. Surround yourself with encouraging people

Certain friends, colleagues, and family members see your talent and enjoy cheering you on. Keep these people close. When you’re struggling with insecurities, they can act as sounding boards and motivators to remind you how wonderful you are.

7. Listen to other people’s stories about overcoming insecurities

Tune into podcasts or read inspiring books about people who’ve overcome insecurities and succeeded. Knowing that talented, successful people have been in the same place and struggled with misconceptions about themselves can put your own insecurities in perspective. If presidents and CEOs suffer from and combat low self-worth, anyone can.

8. Try new things

Take a class, learn a new skill, or travel. Expanding your knowledge and seeing that you can become an expert in French or painting reaffirms your capacity for growth. Plus, you may connect with others in the process, watching like-minded people take on and overcome the same challenges as you.

9. Let go of people and situations that fuel your insecurities

Perhaps you work in a toxic environment or notice red flags in a friend or partner. You may find that a person or place pushes on your insecurities, bringing you down. 

It could be time to take a step back and protect your mental health. A therapist can discuss your concerns and help you determine what parts of your personal and professional lives serve you well and where you should set boundaries.

10. Stop comparing yourself

Comparing yourself to others is one of the core reasons many people have a negative self-image. You may see friends achieve financial goals, find supportive partners, or get professional recognition before you do and feel you’re falling behind. 

But remember: everyone works at their own pace and is on a unique path to success. Celebrate your wins without measuring whether they're bigger or smaller than those of your friends.  

Feeling insecure? You’re not alone

Even the most confident person may have more to learn about how to overcome insecurities. Whether perfectionism makes them feel like they’re never enough or an unexpected life event prevents them from reaching a goal, everyone has bouts of low self-esteem. 

Realizing this fact can help you overcome insecurity. When you understand that feeling like you can’t get ahead is part of life, you can more quickly acknowledge and move past situations that test your skills or willpower — without taking them personally. 

Boost confidence with expert guidance

Unlock your potential and overcome insecurities with personalized coaching tailored to your needs.

Boost confidence with expert guidance

Unlock your potential and overcome insecurities with personalized coaching tailored to your needs.

Published December 18, 2023

Elizabeth Perry, ACC

Elizabeth Perry is a Coach Community Manager at BetterUp. She uses strategic engagement strategies to cultivate a learning community across a global network of Coaches through in-person and virtual experiences, technology-enabled platforms, and strategic coaching industry partnerships.

With over 3 years of coaching experience and a certification in transformative leadership and life coaching from Sofia University, Elizabeth leverages transpersonal psychology expertise to help coaches and clients gain awareness of their behavioral and thought patterns, discover their purpose and passions, and elevate their potential. She is a lifelong student of psychology, personal growth, and human potential as well as an ICF-certified ACC transpersonal life and leadership Coach.

Read Next

Well-being
18 min read | March 27, 2024

How to stop being jealous by cultivating self-love

Jealousy is normal, but what do you do when it takes over? We’ll show you how to stop being jealous by cultivating self-love and healing your insecurities. Read More
Employee Experience
20 min read | October 13, 2021

How fighting job insecurity can help employees overcome fear

Job insecurity has many causes, also consequences that aren't discussed. The pandemic led to an increase in job insecurity but coping strategies exist. Read More
Consumer
12 min read | November 2, 2022

10 interview skills, techniques and examples to land your dream job

Feeling a little insecure about your interview skills? Check out these 10 interview skills that’ll help you before, during, and after your job interview. Read More
Well-being
15 min read | April 3, 2023

Stress or survival: what is the fight or flight response?

Are you feeling stressed or going into survival mode? Learn how to detect what the fight or flight response is and whether it’s affecting you. Read More
Well-being
11 min read | January 26, 2022

Understanding and unlocking your human potential

Human potential isn't about getting more done. It's about living a fuller, more authentic life. Learn more about what that means and how to make it happen. Read More
Well-being
13 min read | May 25, 2021

4 ways to improve emotional intelligence within your team

Emotional intelligence is among the strongest predictors of success. But why is it so important, and how do you develop emotional intelligence? Read More
Well-being
16 min read | April 8, 2021

How to talk about well-being with your team

Research shows that manager support is the most effective way to inspire well-being improvement in the workplace. Here's how to have that conversation. Read More
Well-being
15 min read | July 19, 2023

Essential decision-making skills to guide your tough choices

Identify and hone these key decision-making skills to empower yourself and your team. Also, learn several tips for making better choices. Read More
Employee Experience
5 min read | March 12, 2020

Leading From a Distance: Ideas for Supporting Your Remote Workforce in Times of Change

As we all look to navigate the current public health landscape as thoughtfully and effectively as possible, Dr. Gabriella Kellerman, BetterUp’s Chief Innovation Officer,... Read More

Similar Articles

Well-being 

Overcome self-doubt (once and for all?): 8 tips to move forward

Professional Development 

How to disagree at work without being obnoxious

Well-being 

Ruminating thoughts: What they are and 12 tips to overcome them

Well-being 

Is it possible to learn how to not be shy? 9 ways to overcome it

Well-being 

Build your self-worth: ways to overcome inferiority complex

Well-being 

Dare to daydream: How to overcome lack of ambition

Well-being 

13 imposter syndrome books from psychologists and coaches

Well-being 

What is shyness? How to understand it (and be okay)

Well-being 

Stop comparing yourself to others: do these 10 things instead

Stay connected with BetterUp

Get our newsletter, event invites, plus product insights and research.