Your boss congratulates you on a job well done, a friend compliments you, or you achieve a long-term goal. In any of these situations, you probably feel on top of the world: confident, content, and secure.
But, in another moment, when you have a tough day at the office, you could view yourself in a negative light. You might question your abilities — and even your worth. In moments like this, it’s natural to wonder how to overcome insecurities.
These self-confidence highs and lows are normal. No one can be “on” all the time, and when you’re having an “off” day, it’s difficult to avoid seeing yourself clouded by insecurity. But it’s not impossible, either.
You can learn and appreciate your strengths regardless of whether life or others affirm you with positive feedback. All it takes is practice, patience, and a little extra self-love.
What are insecurities?
Insecurities are the causes behind feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty about yourself. You can experience insecurity regarding any aspect of your life, whether that's physical appearance, relationships, financial stability, or professional skills.
Self-esteem issues propel feelings of insecurity. When you have a moment of low self-esteem, you can become hyper-critical of yourself. Even though you’re talented and well-loved, your negative self-talk tells you otherwise.
Insecurity can become a vicious circle. If you feel bad about how you look or doubt your value, you may shy away from social situations or experiences that would test your abilities. And in doing so, you self-sabotage by limiting your potential for success and connection.
3 types of insecurities
While everyone’s insecurities are unique and linked to individual self-esteem issues, most fall into one of three categories: personal, professional, or relationship. Here’s more on each type and how they manifest:
1. Personal insecurities
Personal insecurities describe the negative ways you view yourself — and perhaps believe others do, too. You may dislike your appearance or lifestyle, question your identity, or constantly compare yourself to others. Personal insecurities can also heighten your self-consciousness and push you to think the people around you are more intelligent, financially stable, or successful than you. That’s not always the case — it might just be your self-doubt getting louder.
2. Professional insecurities
Professional insecurities reflect your fears about an inability to perform at work. Signs of insecurity may be neglecting opportunities to advance at the office because you don’t believe in your skills or self-sabotaging by procrastinating. Instead of taking a public speaking class to improve your presentation-day jitters, for example, you might avoid getting up in front of groups altogether.
3. Relationship insecurities
People often fall into certain relationship attachment styles. Secure attachers enter relationships with good intentions, excellent emotional intelligence, and a willingness to communicate. They believe their partner has their best interests in mind and will love and support them.
But insecure attachers — also known as anxious attachers — fear abandonment, even when their partner is consistently emotionally avoidable and present. Insecure partners may not believe themselves worthy of love and constantly seek affirmation. In turn, they can become irrationally jealous or try to control the other person to avoid losing them.
What are the consequences of insecurities?
Everyone experiences insecurity, especially in the face of new challenges. It’s normal to feel a surge of self-doubt when starting a new job or entering a relationship. But insecurity can have more significant consequences when doubt doesn’t morph into confidence or comfort and negative thoughts persist.
When you constantly feel unsure of yourself, you may turn negative self-talk into reality. Doing this can keep you from viewing your physical and intellectual qualities accurately.
It might also prevent you from achieving your goals. Picture someone who repeatedly tells themself they’re not a strong leader. That person may hesitate to take opportunities to guide colleagues, question their public speaking skills, and perceive themself as less capable than their peers. These behaviors could cost them a promotion or a sense of pride in their work.
Insecurities have the potential to damage both your self-perception and your relationships. In healthy interactions, people take responsibility for their faults, talk about them with someone close to them, and use these conversations to improve their emotional intelligence. But consistently acting insecure, especially in close relationships like romantic ones, can skew dynamics. In some cases, the other person may constantly feel the need to affirm you instead of being an honest and authentic version of themself.
What causes insecurity?
Low self-esteem drives insecurity. You feel inadequate and incapable when you suffer from negative self-perception and a lack of confidence. But how does confidence plummet in the first place?
External forces generally trigger people’s self-esteem issues. Being subject to any of the following situations can cause long-term confidence damage:
- Harsh criticism from a parent or teacher
- Receiving low grades at school or not getting your needs met in the classroom as a child
- Relationships with manipulative or hurtful friends and partners
- Not meeting goals you set and feeling like you failed
- Medical circumstances that prevent you from living the way you please
- Comparing your economic status and lifestyle with others’
Setbacks, like not getting a job you wanted or going through a breakup
10 tips to overcome insecurities
If you’re suffering from low self-esteem and worry that it’ll foster insecurities, there’s hope. You can reframe the incidents that spurred this pessimistic image of yourself and relearn to view yourself in a gentle light.
Here are 10 tips to help you mitigate and overcome insecurity:
1. Confront your feelings
Instead of holding onto negative feelings about yourself or letting an experience, like criticism, damage your confidence, unpack what’s going through your head. An excellent place to do this is in therapy.
A qualified mental health professional like a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) or licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) can guide the conversation and help you separate perceptions from reality. If a mental health professional isn’t accessible to you, try journaling — interrogating your thoughts on the page. This activity can bring clarity and release the stress of daily life.
2. Set achievable goals
When you set realistic goals, you allow yourself to grow and feel empowered. But if you aim for outlandish ones, you’ll feel frustrated when you don’t reach them.
Use the SMART goals model to set your sights on specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound objectives. Then, create an action plan to reach goals, working toward them with structure and intention.
3. Prepare yourself for setbacks
Setbacks are part of life. A loving friendship can morph into a toxic relationship. A small repair can lead to a financial setback. And even if you’re a very qualified candidate, you might not get your dream job.
These situations happen to everyone, but you don’t have to let them drive negative self-perceptions. For instance, instead of feeling insecure about your job search ability, you can remind yourself that you made an excellent effort in the interview process and have powerful skills that’ll help you score another great role.
4. Embrace yourself as you are
No one is good at everything. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses — and that doesn’t make them any less worthy of love and respect.
Write affirmations highlighting your talents (like “I’m an excellent writer” or “I’m a really kind person”) and acknowledge areas of opportunity, like needing to polish your public speaking skills.
Remind yourself, too, that you don’t need to always excel. If math doesn’t come naturally and you don’t feel a passion to learn it, there’s no need to put pressure on yourself to develop this skill.
5. Challenge your negative thoughts
Negative thoughts often don’t align with reality.
Perhaps you carry the misconception that a colleague doesn’t like you, or a hurtful comment a teacher made years ago continues to echo in your head. These scenarios don’t reflect your value, and your mind may have blown them out of proportion. Instead, try talking to yourself as a third party, like a friend, and putting the negative thoughts in perspective.
6. Surround yourself with encouraging people
Certain friends, colleagues, and family members see your talent and enjoy cheering you on. Keep these people close. When you’re struggling with insecurities, they can act as sounding boards and motivators to remind you how wonderful you are.
7. Listen to other people’s stories about overcoming insecurities
Tune into podcasts or read inspiring books about people who’ve overcome insecurities and succeeded. Knowing that talented, successful people have been in the same place and struggled with misconceptions about themselves can put your own insecurities in perspective. If presidents and CEOs suffer from and combat low self-worth, anyone can.
8. Try new things
Take a class, learn a new skill, or travel. Expanding your knowledge and seeing that you can become an expert in French or painting reaffirms your capacity for growth. Plus, you may connect with others in the process, watching like-minded people take on and overcome the same challenges as you.
9. Let go of people and situations that fuel your insecurities
Perhaps you work in a toxic environment or notice red flags in a friend or partner. You may find that a person or place pushes on your insecurities, bringing you down.
It could be time to take a step back and protect your mental health. A therapist can discuss your concerns and help you determine what parts of your personal and professional lives serve you well and where you should set boundaries.
10. Stop comparing yourself
Comparing yourself to others is one of the core reasons many people have a negative self-image. You may see friends achieve financial goals, find supportive partners, or get professional recognition before you do and feel you’re falling behind.
But remember: everyone works at their own pace and is on a unique path to success. Celebrate your wins without measuring whether they're bigger or smaller than those of your friends.
Feeling insecure? You’re not alone
Even the most confident person may have more to learn about how to overcome insecurities. Whether perfectionism makes them feel like they’re never enough or an unexpected life event prevents them from reaching a goal, everyone has bouts of low self-esteem.
Realizing this fact can help you overcome insecurity. When you understand that feeling like you can’t get ahead is part of life, you can more quickly acknowledge and move past situations that test your skills or willpower — without taking them personally.
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