How to stop being jealous by cultivating self-love

Feeling a pang of jealousy? Don’t feel ashamed. Jealousy is something we all experience. It’s common to feel envy when friends find new romantic relationships or when a colleague gets promoted.

We can’t eliminate jealousy altogether. (Does anyone have that kind of emotional superpower?) But the good news is there are steps to manage it so it doesn’t eat you alive.

Ready to learn how to stop being jealous? We’ll help you identify the root causes of your jealousy and guide you through various strategies to manage it in both work and life. We’ll also show you how to develop healthy coping skills by working with a coach to cultivate self-compassion and stronger relationships. 

Breaking down jealousy: Why do we feel it?

Ever wondered why you suddenly feel like a deflated balloon when a coworker announces they’re starting a company or feel jealous when a friend closes on their first home? 

Feelings of jealousy often come down to common themes of comparison, envy, and possessiveness. When you know how to recognize the signs of jealousy, you can take steps towards overcoming these feelings and fostering a more positive and secure mindset.

Let's take a peek behind the curtain at some of the common culprits that fuel jealousy.

Comparing yourself to others

We all tend to compare ourselves to others. But when that comparison leaves us with feelings of inadequacy, the green-eyed monster of jealousy can rear its ugly head.

Engaging in never-ending competition is a surefire way to feed your jealousy. To counteract it, remind yourself that we’re all navigating our own unique journey. There’s no need to compare your chapter 10 to someone else’s chapter 20.

Envy

Envy and jealousy are sometimes used interchangeably, but they’re not the same. Jealousy involves fear that someone else will take what we have, such as a job or partner. Envy involves resenting someone who has something we want, like a new car.

We sometimes simply admire what others have, and that’s okay. But when our admiration morphs into longing, we experience envy. 

Envy is misleading and based only on what we can see. For example, we may see the neighbor’s new Porsche but not their failing marriage or 80-hour work week.

Realizing that the people we envy for having what we lack have wounds and scars of their own is possibly the best cure for jealousy, writes Harold S. Kushner, author of “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.”

Possessiveness

When we fear losing someone or something we value, we can trigger intense and often irrational feelings of jealousy. This can lead us to treat others poorly, such as making decisions for them or not respecting their boundaries. 

Those experiencing possessiveness may become paranoid and accuse others of trying to take the person or item they value away. Extreme examples of possessiveness include abuse and stalking.

Not surprisingly, possessiveness tends to backfire and could even result in losing the people we love the most, writes Estefania Barrientos, parent educator at YWCA Northwestern Illinois. 

Is ambition the same thing as jealousy?

Ambition may feel similar to jealousy in some ways. You might become hyper-focused on other people’s success if only as a goal to work toward. 

If your ambition begins to resemble jealous thoughts, take a step back and consider why you’re unhappy with your current circumstances. As Joan Didion said, “To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self.”

Additionally, you may want to focus on purpose-driven rather than ego-driven goals, which can help you feel more successful and fulfilled.

Unmasking the root causes of jealousy

It’s crucial to dig deeper to uncover the emotions driving your jealousy. Some common underlying issues include insecurity, fear, and lack of self-worth.

Insecurity

You become more susceptible to jealousy if you lack confidence in yourself and your abilities. 

You can begin addressing your own insecurities and low self-esteem by identifying what triggers these negative feelings. 

For example, being gaslit in a toxic workplace can wreak havoc on self-confidence. But you can reframe the situation by reminding yourself of your value, the relationships you’ve built, and your growth.

Fear

Humans are social beings, so it’s natural to fear abandonment. But if this fear persists, your jealousy might get triggered as a way to protect yourself. 

You may begin to lash out at others or try to insert yourself into social events. You may feel anxious or worried about how you’re perceived and begin comparing yourself to others.

Fear also clouds your vision, and in this confusion, you may no longer see the real version of yourself or others. You may become suspicious of people who have relationships with your friends and loved ones.

Lack of self-worth

Jealousy might also be a sign you question your value as an individual. You may feel self-conscious about what you see as shortcomings, and comparison can lead to resentment and envy. 

Developing a better sense of self-worth disproves the falsehood that everyone is better than you. Practicing self-acceptance helps you focus on your strengths while acknowledging your weaknesses.

The hidden costs of jealousy

Momentary pangs of jealousy aren’t necessarily harmful. But if you let jealousy fester and take over your life, it can be costly. Potential hidden costs of jealousy include the following:

• Damaged relationships: Unchecked jealousy can lead to possessiveness, mistrust, and conflict between friends and significant others.

• Hindered growth: Getting stuck in a cycle of comparison, envy, and self-doubt can prevent you from achieving your full potential.

• Diminished mental health: Envy has been shown to increase anxiety and depression, and it takes a toll on your self-worth, too.

Alleviate jealousy by cultivating self-compassion

Cultivating a healthier relationship with yourself can help you manage jealousy and improve your mental health. Challenging negative self-talk, celebrating your strengths, and practicing gratitude are excellent ways to begin nurturing self-compassion.

Challenge negative self-talk

Does your inner critic love whispering self-doubts in your ear? Put it on mute and practice reframing negative thoughts with positive self-talk. 

Some examples of harmful things we say to ourselves that can be replaced with positive affirmations include:

• Everyone will judge me. → I won’t let other people’s opinions determine how I live my life.
• I’m so stupid. → I’m human and deserve love.
• This is too hard for me. → I’m still learning and require time to complete this process.
• I keep making mistakes. → My mistakes are part of my journey, and I can use them to learn and grow. 
• I’m a failure. → I’m proud of myself for being courageous and giving this a try.

Celebrate your unique strengths

We all have something special to offer the world. You may already know what makes you unique. If so, that’s wonderful; focus on developing and sharing your gifts.

If you don’t know what your “special sauce” is, that’s okay too. You get to embark on an adventure of self-discovery, which can be exciting and enlightening all at once. 

You can start by taking our Big 5 Personality Quiz to reveal your strengths or find a personal coach who can be your travel companion on your journey.

Practice gratitude

It’s important to pause and take time to appreciate the good things in your life, big and small. Gratitude shifts your focus from what you lack to what you already have. 

Comparison can frustrate us because it’s focused on not getting everything we want. This leads to a negative view of life. Gratitude helps us see things differently and appreciate all we have.

Mitigating jealousy in the workplace

Though jealousy can occur anywhere, the office can be a hotbed of jealousy and comparison. These tips help you mitigate jealousy and create a more positive work environment for yourself:

• Concentrate on your goals: Set SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound goals) to track your progress toward personal victories. Learning to appreciate your career journey and celebrating your successes reduces the temptation to compare yourself to others.
• Embrace collaboration: Offer help and support to colleagues and reframe their success as opportunities to learn and grow together. This can also show a coworker who feels threatened by you that you see them as an equal. 
• Express gratitude: Take time each day to state why you’re grateful for your job, team, and even challenges that help you improve. 
• Communicate openly: If you feel envious of a coworker’s promotion or new project assignment, take it as an opportunity to communicate your career aspirations and goals with your manager. This gives them the information they need to help spot opportunities for you. It can also quiet an inner critic who might whisper falsehoods in your ear about how your coworker only got promoted because they’re friends with the boss.

Building a jealousy-proof toolkit: 5 actionable strategies for inner peace

1. Work with a coach

Working with a coach helps you identify the insecurities that might drive your jealousy and develop healthier ways to address them. By digging into the initial feeling of jealousy and getting to the root of the issue, coaching empowers you to move forward rather than stay stuck.

BetterUp coaches use behavioral science and analytics to help you reduce feelings of jealousy and carve a path to personal growth.

2. Build supportive relationships

Set yourself up for success by building relationships with positive, uplifting people. Good relationships celebrate successes, offer encouragement, and don’t beat around the bush when you need to hear the truth. 

These relationships are worth pursuing and repairing when times get tough — default to open communication, active listening, and giving back to deepen these bonds.

3. Practice mindfulness and meditation

Mindfulness helps you become more self-aware and regulate your emotions. Similarly, meditation and journaling allow you to safely explore emotions like jealousy in a way that isn’t harmful to you or others.

Best of all, making mindfulness and meditation part of your routine cultivates a sense of inner peace. 

4. Try cognitive behavioral therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapy that helps you identify and challenge negative thought patterns. In CBT, your therapist enables you to spot thought distortions like all-or-nothing thinking or catastrophizing. 

They’ll then help you reshape these negative thoughts into more realistic views that assist you in managing and reducing feelings of jealousy. This practice may require you to get a bit uncomfortable, but that means you’re growing.

5. Write down positive affirmations

Counter negative self-talk and boost your self-esteem by repeating positive affirmations about yourself. This can look like telling yourself, “I am worthy,” or “I am capable of achieving my goals.”

Affirmations alone won’t necessarily change your behavior, but they do help you grow into a more positive person when you incorporate them into your self-care routine.

Crafting a personalized path to overcome jealousy

Overcoming jealousy is a journey. Be patient with yourself, experiment with different strategies, and seek out support. 

What works for one person might not work for you. And you may find that what worked for you a few years ago isn’t as effective today.

Experimenting with different techniques and tools gives you space to discover how to support your personal growth at this moment. Investing in coaching and practicing patience are a couple of strategies to try.

Invest in coaching or therapy

If you’re struggling to manage jealousy alone, it may help to talk to someone like a friend or family member. But speaking to an objective third party, like a personal coach, is best because they’re more likely to challenge you in positive ways.

Other benefits of working with a coach include helping you better understand your emotions and why you feel the way you do by acting as a sounding board. Professional help also teaches you healthy coping mechanisms personalized to your needs.

Be patient

Personal growth takes time, as does improving your mental well-being. If you’ve been battling jealousy and self-comparison for a long time, chances are you have a lot of automatic habits to unlearn. 

Be patient with yourself during this process. Appreciate how far you’ve come. Even if you’re just starting your journey of growth, you’re already way ahead of where you were yesterday when you hadn’t yet begun.

Learn how to stop being jealous of others

You’re not alone in your experience with jealousy. We all feel it from time to time, but it’s up to us as individuals to understand the reasons behind it. Armed with this insight, the right tools, and self-compassion, we can transform a potentially harmful emotion into an opportunity for growth.

Each of us can choose how we react to jealousy, but sometimes, we need extra support to realize the power we have over our emotions. A BetterUp coach can be an invaluable resource by showing you how to identify your jealousy triggers, regulate your negative emotions, and regain control over your life.