Vulnerability is a central aspect of improving mental health and emotional well-being. However, being vulnerable doesn’t always feel empowering. If you feel exposed after sharing intimate feelings or details, you’re experiencing a vulnerability hangover.
By learning the causes of vulnerability hangovers and how to soothe them, you can build bonds through vulnerability without your shares resulting in overwhelming feelings of shame.
Shutting down after sharing: what is vulnerability hangover?
Have you ever shared your feelings only to wake up the next day with a sense of uneasiness? That’s a vulnerability hangover in action.
A vulnerability hangover is experiencing discomfort or regret after revealing intimate and deep parts of yourself with someone. If you overshare or attempt to set healthy boundaries in relationships, you may sometimes end up feeling uncomfortably exposed.
Taking an emotional risk can also result in a vulnerability hangover. These risks might include confessing romantic interest in someone or performing on stage for the first time. They could involve reaching out to an old friend or pouring your heart into writing a cover letter.
Other moments of vulnerability may include physical intimacy or sharing what causes your insecurities. Less obvious instances might be giving someone a gift or telling them about your greatest accomplishment.
Despite these common examples, there’s no single set of rules for what leaves you feeling vulnerable. Your vulnerability is unique to you. Any event can be an emotional trigger for a vulnerability hangover if you associate it with rejection or judgment.
Regardless of their cause, the feelings induced by a vulnerability hangover are valid. Like other negative emotions, you can cope by reminding yourself that the situation will pass.
Vulnerability hangover symptoms
Not everyone reacts the same way to a vulnerability hangover. Some may seek reassurance. Others may shut down emotionally. No matter how you react, your feelings likely are coming from a sense of discomfort and exposure.
Typical signs you’re experiencing a vulnerability hangover may include:
Why is vulnerability important?
Vulnerability matters because it allows you to deepen relationships and connect with people. Simply showing up as your authentic self is an act of vulnerability. Authenticity and vulnerability help you develop the deeper connections you crave.
Showing your true self puts you at risk of rejection. This is why many people don’t lead with authenticity. But by refusing to be vulnerable, you are robbing yourself of potential happiness and connection.
Dr. Brené Brown is a leading vulnerability researcher and storyteller. She gained popularity following her TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, and coined the term “vulnerability hangover.” Dr. Brown’s research points out that vulnerability is a key to satisfying connections.
In her bestselling book, Daring Greatly, she explains that vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. She goes on to say true belonging can only happen when we show our authentic selves.
Vulnerability means accepting the risk that comes with exposing your true self. This makes vulnerability essential for feeling like you belong.
How to embrace vulnerability
Opening up isn’t natural to everyone. It may take time to reach the level of vulnerability you aspire to, especially if you’ve been taught to hide your emotions.
If vulnerability doesn’t come easy to you, how do you get started? You can ask deep questions to build stronger bonds with those around you. You can also begin to express your feelings to those you trust most.
These actions may require you to get out of your comfort zone, especially if you’re an introvert. Remember, trying new things is the foundation for making the changes you want.
Precursors to vulnerability hangovers: what causes them?
There are some common underlying causes of vulnerability hangovers. Becoming aware of these root issues can help you overcome them.
Fear of judgement and rejection
Nobody likes rejection. It lowers self-esteem and makes you question your worth.
Worrying about rejection is natural after being vulnerable. You just revealed something about yourself that you usually keep tucked away. You might have an unconscious core belief that the parts you keep hidden are parts that make you unworthy or unloveable.
The key is remembering that if you are rejected, it isn’t a personal failure. It may have very little to do with you and be more about the other person and what they’re dealing with. Learning how to deal with rejection will help you achieve a balanced emotional state.
A solid self-concept will also reaffirm your worth, even after rejection. It’s important to love who you are despite what others think. This foundation of self-love allows you to keep trying after rejection.
Challenging your self-image
The discomfort of a vulnerability hangover sometimes stems from uncertainty and questioning yourself. The path to self-acceptance isn’t easy, but it’s worth it because it allows you to be your true self.
You may view yourself as someone who must always be strong and stoic. Replacing this limiting and negative self-talk helps you acknowledge you’re human and have feelings and needs.
Remember to allow yourself to experience moments where you let your guard down. Giving yourself this grace enables you to be kinder to yourself.
Uncertainty after emotional exposure
It can sometimes be difficult to know if you’re oversharing. You may be asking yourself, “Did I share too much? Will they ever talk to me again? Have I made things weird?”
When you feel uncertain after sharing, waiting to see or talk to that person again can feel uncomfortable. Not knowing where you stand is an especially tricky part of experiencing a vulnerability hangover.
While oversharing certainly happens, remind yourself that people are generally more accepting than you may think. Start by forgiving yourself for oversharing, and remember that it’s unlikely you’ve ruined the relationship.
Another big part of the uncertainty you’re feeling might be that you’re not used to vulnerability. Remind yourself that the other person may not be thinking about the situation at all.
Ways to soothe a vulnerability hangover
There are ways to ease the discomfort caused by a vulnerability hangover. Taking time for yourself and celebrating the courage to open up are just a few ways to turn your vulnerability hangover around.
Take time to emotionally recharge
Have you ever noticed the mental fatigue you experience after an emotional day? Sharing vulnerable parts of yourself can result in emotional exhaustion.
Rest and relaxation will help you to recover from burnout. Sleep isn’t the only type of rest you need, however. It’s also important to spend time doing soothing activities to calm yourself down.
Mindfulness activities can get you out of your frantic headspace and into the present moment. Remind yourself that difficult emotions are draining, and take the time you need to recharge.
Practice self-compassion
Whether from crying at work or coping with loneliness, notice that other people are living out moments of vulnerability all around you. You are not alone.
Practicing self-compassion and self-care are essential during a vulnerability hangover. The way you’re feeling is normal, and there are tools and strategies you can use to get through it.
Self-compassion strengthens resilience by making you less hesitant to take risks. It allows you to reframe setbacks as opportunities for growth. Be kind to yourself and treat your inner child with patience.
Reframe vulnerability as strength
Many people are too afraid to speak up for themselves and share how something made them feel. This fear is based on a common misconception that vulnerability is a weakness.
Rather than a weakness that should be hidden, vulnerability is a skill you can use to improve your relationships. Vulnerability is actually a sign of mental strength because it takes courage to be vulnerable. With practice, you can change your mindset and see vulnerability as something positive.
Talk it out
While you may have the urge to self-isolate and bottle things up after vulnerability, it’s counterproductive. Social isolation and repressed feelings can have a negative impact on your wellness.
Connection heals wounds and reduces loneliness. Being listened to helps lonely people feel reconnected. It’s important to have a safe space free of judgment to share your feelings. Talk to friends, spend quality time with family, or even talk to yourself.
One way to talk to yourself is to start journaling. Journaling is an effective method of getting your emotions out. It allows you to reflect on your feelings, past experiences, and limiting beliefs. One study on medical patients even shows decreased anxiety and increased feelings of resilience after periodically journaling online for 12 weeks.
Celebrate the courage to open up
Opening up isn’t a weakness. It takes a lot of courage that many people don’t have. As Brenè Brown said in her famous TED Talk, “Vulnerability is the most accurate measure of courage.”
Reflect on your feelings toward vulnerability by asking yourself questions such as:
- What opportunities would I have missed if I was too afraid of success or failure?
- Which relationships wouldn’t I have if I hadn’t reached out?
- How does it make me feel when others are vulnerable? Am I judgmental or appreciative?
- What was a moment when I admired the vulnerability of someone else?
- Would I have been scared to be this vulnerable in the past? How can I acknowledge that personal growth?
- What is behind my fear of being vulnerable?
Finding a safe space: sharing without regret
How can you minimize the likelihood of experiencing a vulnerability hangover? By surrounding yourself with people who value your vulnerability.
Spending time with loved ones who provide validation and reassurance is crucial. A safe space where everyone can show up as their true selves will allow you to share without regret.
Foster truth and intimacy among friends
Friendship is important, but it’s hard to maintain without emotional intimacy. Think about it: Are your good friendships ones where they hardly share anything about their lives? To be a better friend, vulnerability is necessary.
When you share intimate parts of yourself, it makes you feel closer to others. With the right people, sharing the innermost parts of yourself is never a mistake.
Set healthy boundaries
You can only engage in so much active listening before burning out. This is important to remember both when sharing and when listening.
Setting healthy boundaries prevents you from accidentally sharing too much. Good boundaries consider your comfort level and the comfort level of others.
Healthy boundaries also prevent the toxic empathy that occurs when you take on the feelings of others. Emotional labor uses up energy, so remember to acknowledge your mental capacity.
Seek professional help for additional support
Perhaps you don’t feel completely comfortable sharing everything with the people in your life. Or perhaps you simply could use an unbiased person to vent to.
The first step toward embracing vulnerability is often simple: reaching out to ask for help. A discussion with a coach or a therapy session can be cathartic.
Professionals can work with you to improve your discomfort with vulnerability. This can strengthen your interpersonal relationships.
Learning from your vulnerability hangover
There’s no guarantee that you’ll never experience a vulnerability hangover again. However, you can learn to reframe how you view your vulnerable moments and grow because of them.
With a resilient mindset, you’ll find that you can start to open up to others again. With time, you’ll see that vulnerability is a powerful asset, even if it doesn’t always feel good.
Through the help of others and a bit of coaching, vulnerability doesn’t have to seem so intimidating. By knowing when and where to embrace vulnerability, you can grow from your experiences and create a safe space to flourish.
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